Report

Everything's Fine!

By Sevgi Tan

GLOBAL – Recent noticeable disturbances caused by major life changes and political climate reported by our viewers are taken notice. From these complaints and letters we, as The Sisyphean, gathered a dashing file of reports sent from headquarters of The Sisyphean established around the globe and are proud to inform that; everything is fine.

Seemingly important elections and passes of controversial laws may have caused disturbance in the beginning but as the crowd is insulated and incarcerated in their homes, the outside world faded away. The overall review is that everything is fine.

In more than 4 locations, even the seasonal weather reports are sunnier than expected. The comparison to the year before is quite steep. The residents of these locations have been noticing the temporal drift clearly according to our field agents. The surveys show that no one is worried about that and everything is quite fine in the sun.

The pandemic and the earthquakes that have happened in few of the center locations of several countries are apparently causing a good bit of commotion. Most of the questions we received were about the actions taken by the governmental figures towards the problems caused by the natural disasters. Our hard working journalists report that the government is taking care of the situations at hand gracefully and professionally. There is no need to worry. Everything’s fine and birds are still flying south.

Report

The Stringfoot

By Sevgi Tan

DOWNTOWN – The strings we toss out have the tiniest bit of meaning to us but can we say that for the stray animals around us? Do we ever stop to think about how this affects our neighbors with wings?

As we roll the big stone up the hill in this stagnancy we call life, we create, produce and get rid of almost 99% of the stuff we use. Not only the synthetic but the organic as well. In the Netherlands more than half of the residents recycle and/or try to be environmentally aware. Even the most thorough ones have left out one important element of waste: strings.

Reported by the Animals Aviation Association of the Netherlands (AAAN), 67% of the pigeons in Rotterdam have lost their claws to the wire waste we have been leaving behind. Unstable hoppers of the sidewalk have been suffering from mass loss of circulation in their feet and toes. The heartbreaking situation also causes the overflow of orphan ghost pigeon feet in our streets. One of the insiders from AAAN told The Sisyphean Rotterdam that if we do not stop littering strings or string-like wastes we might have a shortage of pigeon ankles in the future.

Reports show that even the shortest hair down the shower drain might cost a pigeon its foot. The electrical wires left behind unsupervised construction sites are part of the problem as well as used elastic bands. The string problem has a lot of concerned animal lovers and officials tangled up. AIVD (Algemene Inlichtingen- en Veiligheidsdienst) have shown serious concern over the decrease of pigeon ankles and hence pigeon ankle tags. The issue is being discussed by governmental officials and ornithologists to decide on a more direct enforcement on regulations for getting rid of deadly strings.

Opinion piece

All Hail the Mighty Peristera

By Sevgi Tan

As the governments all around the world become more and more conservative, the want to stalk the voters to the bone is becoming even more mainstream. The recent mass data theft scandal involving TikTok and the US, shows us how little options there are left for us to consume content without any privacy violations.

But the real enemy lies in between us, or rather flies above our heads. It roams the streets without any hesitation, until it gets what it wants. The amount of data stolen via Tiktok is nothing compared to the flying moochers collection.

Peristera

The birds are and have always been a source of inspiration to creatives. They are muses of freedom and prosperity. For ages the creatures that can fly have been the center of attention for our deepest desires to fly away from our troubles, explore the world.

In Ovidius’s Metamorphoses, he writes;

– Book XIV:581-608 The Deification of Aeneas

Doves, symbols of purity and fairness, were in charge of pulling Aphrodite’s saddle to take her to her divine destinations. The story of their transformation from sky rats to angels, starts with a competition as the common theme around Aphrodite does. When Peristera (Περιστέρα, means pigeon in Modern Greek) helps Aphrodite pick flowers in a flower picking competition, Eros gets mad and turns her into a white pigeon. Feeling guilty and ashamed, Aphrodite declares the dove her own.

The actual metamorphoses of the whitest of the white, purest of the pure begins as the transition from pagan deistic religions to monotheistic religion. Even though the white pigeon symbol didn’t change contextually, the emphasis on the creature itself did. Now a slave to open garden weddings, doves and pigeons suffer the consequences of Peristera’s actions.

Today

As inhabitants of our cities we don’t pay them any attention. Once the rulers of the sky and the symbol of great beauty, they are now being treated as just another mundane thing we stumble upon each day. But how did this transition take place in front of our eyes? The powers at work might seem distant or out-of-reach but we cannot rule the effects of a third party out.

When the old man feeds the pigeon it seems as mediocre as the bread on the ground with a hole shaped like a perfect circle. The list of dubious subjects can go on forever, however in the age of online identity hijacking can we ever trust our good ol’ neighbor and the pigeon he feeds every day?

The magnitude of this silent and unspoken problem remains unnoticed as the danger sneaks further in. The agent doesn’t slither but it hops and wobbles. The evidence is out there and is at arms reach to everyone, until it is sought properly.

Imagine the only private outlet of conversation we have left taken away from us. The gender of our baby which is yet to be revealed, the credit score we are so ashamed of, that small innocent piece of gossip which can break another’s heart… The conversation we can hide from everyone but the one above; the pigeon.

Report

The Cage Exhibit

By Sevgi Tan

The students of Warsaw University took over the main gallery of the department of Ornithology to protest the abortion clinics that are left in the country.

On Monday, more than 50 students gathered in front of the building as the protest started. After the spokespersons speech about the abominable acts still performed by abortion clinics in the mostly catholic country, students rushed inside the gallery to put their banners on the bird cages.

One of the protesters told our newscaster that he believes every woman should have babies and doesn’t see why anyone would kill a baby fetus. He then proceeded to hang his poster on an open bird cage and stated that fetuses should never be taken out of their cage.

As the mostly male population of student protesters moved on, the posters were taken down by cleaning staff. The three policemen who came to the event escorted the students to their dorms.

Since early March, harsh laws imposed by religious leaders on abortion are being protested by women. The few abortion clinics left are about to close down after new regulation laws are passed next month.

Report

Cemetery Guards Strike

By Robin de Duif

ROTTERDAM – Since the 31st of October cemetery personnel and guards have been striking to get the big scale sculptures out of the graveyards. The strikers have shut down the gates of several cemeteries, graveyards and crematoriums. They say the gates will not open until they can get the sculptures removed all together at once.

Even though the strike has been going around for a short period of time, the municipality is concerned and cannot come up with a common ground for the problem since the removing of sculptures will take a longer time than demanded by the strikers.

We interviewed one of the strikers via video call on Monday to get an insight of the situation. The overworked and exhausted guard from Begraafplaats Sint Laurentius told our paper that a lot of old fashioned sculptures attract pigeons and the cleaning staff has to deal with the results every day. He stated that the excessive amount of sculptures and statues should be left behind and gotten rid off. He also told us that he thinks the dimensions of the sculptures are preposterous and the pagan beliefs like that are outdated.

Other personnel from Oud Kralingen Algemene Begraafplaats reports:

As the decedents pile up, officials seem to be even more confounded by the unique case. The relatives of decedents are as uneasy as the pigeons, waiting for a ceremony to get a clear closure and mourn.

During these trying times, it certainly is not convenient to have full morgues and bodies on top of bodies. The rising death toll is neither understood nor taken into account by pigeons as they go through their ordinary routines and rest on welcoming arms of Virgin Mary statues.